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The Reality of an Anxiety Disorder: A ramble.

*Disclaimer* This post focuses largely on anxiety with mentioning of flashbacks and disassociation, please take caution when reading ahead. Help can be found on my ‘I Need Help’ page.

“Our anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strengths.”

C. H. Spurgeon

For this week’s post I wanted to speak about a very specific thing relating to anxiety. Although it is specific, I hope those whom read it and can relate to it (even if it’s only a small amount) feel a sense of connection and less alone. I apologise if it comes across as a ramble but it is very meaningful for me to share this.  

Over the past week my mental health, particularly the anxiety aspect, has changed drastically. Especially since last week’s post. Although I have had some good moments, like the proud moment I received my overall grade for this academic year (a First!), my body has essentially been ‘panic central’. I have been experiencing anxiety episodes, different from panic attacks.  

I have had two of these episodes this week, relating to past events and this time of year. I know the word episode doesn’t give much away so I will explain it further: 

My experience of these episodes includes a combination of flashbacks, generalised anxiety, and disassociation. For those of you whom may not know what dissociation is, it’s a mental process of disconnecting from one’s thoughts, memories, feelings or sense of identity. When I disassociate during these episodes, I completely lose touch from reality, I am fully there in my flashback which is purely terrifying. I do not remember much when these episodes pass, besides the memory of being in that terrifying moment. I know the flashbacks, disassociation and anxiety happens through reports of those whom have witnessed it, especially this week. 

 I also experience physical symptoms when these episodes happen which is almost as scary as the reliving of the event. My whole body continuously twitches, beyond my control. As someone whom witnessed an episode yesterday described it “It’s compulsions, like you’re having a seizure but you’re awake”. I am initially aware of the twitching before the dissociation and I know it starts in my legs. This twitching begins to scare me because I am aware that I am losing control of my body and one of my biggest fears is being out of control. I also shout things that are completely unrelated to the present but are related to me being in the flashback. They do not make sense to those around me witnessing it all.  From reports of other’s my eyes change too, they glaze over like I am no longer in my body. I’ve heard of this happening during a crisis too. I also pull at my hair and rub my face. On coming out of an episode I also vomit, this is due to the tensing of my body though, particularly my stomach.  

I am unsure as to whether ‘episode’ is the right word to use, but through discussion and explanation with my therapist I know this is different from the panic attacks I have so we have decided ‘episode’ is the best word to use.  

Unfortunately, due to being unaware as to whom I am or where I am, it is very difficult to bring myself out of these episodes. If I am alone, I have to quite literally play it out until it passes, this may be 10 minutes but it has reached up to an hour. Afterwards I am utterly exhausted and just want to sleep for 100 years, but I can’t.  

I have two of these episodes this week though and fortunately (or not) individuals whom I trust a lot have been around. Normally, I hate others seeing me vulnerable but it cannot be helped during these moments and through rationalization I know it helps to raise awareness of the extreme situation I am in. One of these individuals is well trained in PTSD so she was able to use some of these skills to help lessen the intensity of what I am experiencing, bringing me out of it sooner. One of the skills that seemed to help me was focusing on my five senses: sight, hearing, taste, smell and touch. The one that seemed to work best for me though was hearing. The two individuals whom saw my first episode had a conversation around me, my brain was able to recognise their voices and knew they were only connected to the present. The person whom saw my second episode played my favourite band’s music and the flashback was slowly overrun by the memory of seeing the band live. The distraction through one of my five senses wasn’t a quick fix but helped to ground me in a very difficult situation. It may not work for everyone either or a different sense may need more focus on it, each time as no two episodes are exactly the same.  

After this week I have had to take a break and almost admit defeat to my anxiety (it’s not quite won though). There has been talk of a Mental Health Act assessment but I am hoping it will not come to this. I have had to drag myself to the doctors for an emergency appointment. My daily medication has (finally) been changed to help with management in the long run but a short course of a certain medication has been prescribed to help me manage in these difficult moments.  

I am absolutely exhausted both mentally and physically. My body hurts and I have bruises. I am fearful too. I fear an episode happening in a potentially unsafe play where the possibility of accidentally injuring myself increases, this is why seeking medical help from a doctor was so important to me.  

I also have a sense of worry about posting this as a blog post as it is very ‘now’ and personal. I still don’t fully understand these episodes either, but it has helped me to know that maybe I’m not as Okay as I was forcing myself to be. This post might not make a lot of sense to many of you, but to anyone whom relates; look after yourself and know that you’re not alone in this. There are good individuals in this world, and you’ll find one or two to help get you through.  

For now, I am going to spend some time chilling out (watch some Grey’s Anatomy), treat myself to a takeaway and just take each hour as it comes.  

This is the reality of living with a mental illness. The awareness needs to be spread so more individuals reach out for help and support; they need to know that they are not alone.  

Love to you all and thank you so much for reaching this.  

The Battle in my Brain Author X X X