A Positive Reflection!
“Work hard for what you want because it won’t come to you without a fight.”
This week has been a difficult one for me so, because it’s Friday I wanted to do a post focusing on the positives I’ve achieved recently. I hope this will enable me to welcome the weekend in on a positive note.
On Monday I received my last grade for this academic year meaning my overall grade is a First! I am in my first year at University so academically speaking the grade does not count but on a personal level it means a lot to me.
When I first started University back in September (2018) I held a very strong belief that I would not succeed. I would completely fail and I would not be able to handle the pressures. That belief has somewhat been defeated though; 3 weeks into my University experience I was struck down with a physical illness that meant a week’s stay in hospital, closer to home. Due to the nature of the illness I had to have a further 3 weeks recovery time at home. This meant I’d missed a month of lectures upon my return to Uni. Due to missing this time, especially so early in the academic year, there were talks of me leaving Uni and returning the following September. I did not want this as I’d worked incredibly hard in the run up to starting University. The idea of potentially leaving Uni gave me the kickstart that I needed. My attendance was near perfect, I was reading up on things in preparation for lectures but most importantly I was working incredibly hard to prove doubters wrong. This hard work paid off and I achieved a sold First in one module that I had only attended three sessions of – I still don’t understand how I did this.
The physical illness helped to also remind me that I need to take more care of my physical health because I do not want to feel that awful and unwell again. It was terrible.
My mental health has also impacted my studies. There have been talks of potential admissions to psychiatric hospitals or eating disorder units throughout the year but this has forced me to work even harder on my emotional state in order to achieve my dream. Ultimately your health is more important than studies (in my opinion anyway) so I have taken breaks when it is needed but I have worked so hard to avoid a complete relapse. I did not want my mental illnesses to win this time as I’ve missed out on far too much already.
To get me through the academic year, two particular pictures and ideas have been held in my mind; firstly, the joy I imagined I will be filled with when I am in my graduation robes celebrating my achievements. Secondly, the idea of spreading my passion for expressing oneself through creative means with vulnerable individuals excites me. It has been such a large motivator. This pushes me to try my best because I know how important it is to express myself through art. I am one step closer to these ideas and images now that I have successfully completed my first year. I will not let mental illness define me nor block me from achieving, it’s had enough already.
Since September I have also learnt how to budget money (it’s better than impulsively spending it). Learning how to budget means I am able to save money to attend exciting events, like the festival I am going to next month. I am so excited to go because I am seeing one of my favourite bands live again (Bastille) and they’re bloody amazing live. Having something to look forward to means I have something to hold on for, something to fight for.
This year I have also slowly progressed to going on night’s out. This is something I never thought I’d do before Uni but it something I’ve done and really enjoyed. Yes, there’s been a few ‘moments’ during these nights but I have had trusted friends around to help and overall I can look back with fond memories.
Most importantly though, this University year has enabled me to build friendships with some extraordinary individuals some of whom I wouldn’t normally have the opportunity to interact with. I owe a lot to these persons, they have helped me through so much and the appreciation I have for them is unreal. I look forward to this friendships blossoming further.
I am slowly learning who I am. What my identity is. Mental illness is not me, it’s just a small, incredibly annoying piece of me that I am slowly learning to release myself from. Mental illness has taken a lot of my teenage years and I am determined to not let it take anymore. I want to enjoy my life, I want to be free from services, I want to wear short sleeves with scars that have faded. Most of all though, I want to help people and each day I fight through is one step closer to this goal.
I can and I will do this, just like you can do too.
There are always positives, big or small, sometimes you just have to work hard to find it but once you do, hold on to it.
Love to you all and thanks for reading.
The Battle in my Brain Author X X X
The Battle in my Brain 